Funnies

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years & twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the preacher & calmly said, 'Well .. . . she's there.'

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked: 'Harry,
what's your problem?'

Harry answered: 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 X 3?'
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks said to the principal: 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks: 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied: "Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.''

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher: 'Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'

Man went with his wife to a retirement dietary lecture, as both were now diabetic, and could use some tips. The lecture was informative, and several tasty dishes that were considered safe for their needs were introduced.

However, after the lecture, when the speaker asked the group what was the most hazardous food for their overall health, the man replied, "Wedding cake". Now his diabetes is the least of his troubles.....

Here's another one my dad sent me:

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken!"

(True Story)

Heres another good one:

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down,
and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



(Are you ready for this?)




"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

, nice one Dave..
I'll jump on the wagon and share one as well, can't stop laughing every time I take a look at this; too funny!

Thats just awesome

I hope I never end up in front of an old lady with a handgun.... yikes....

This gave me a chuckle; hope y'all like it, too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xv7SPunmZM&feature=related

Wow, thanks for sharing

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her: "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied: "I'd give food to the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow... what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my patio, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said: "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me

This was sent to me recently; thought some here would enjoy it:

� Below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

� The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

� I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

� By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

� I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

� You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

� My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

� From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

� My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

� Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

� Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

� I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

� Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

� In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

� I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

� As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

� Let me level the playing field even further.

� When you call me, press buttons as follows:

� IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

� #1. To make an appointment to see me

� #2. To query a missing payment.

� #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

� #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

� #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

� #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

� #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

� Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

� #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

� #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

� The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

� #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

� While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

� Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

� May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

� Your Humble Client

� And remember: Don't make old People mad.

� We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Rofl, good one Elhanan.

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I got one too which I just saw!
But first off...

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EXT/INT – FERRY RECEPTION OFFICE, CALAIS. DAY

Three passengers (GENTLEMAN, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN and YOUNG BOY) dragging luggage enter the brightly-lit reception office having alighted from the P&O cross channel ferry boat we see in the background. The GENTLEMAN approaches an information office to speak to a UNIFORMED FRENCH OFFICIAL.

GENTLEMAN
Good morning. Where do we get the advertised free shuttle bus to Calais-Fréthun to get the High Speed Train to Paris, please?
OFFICIAL
The bus doesn’t run anymore.
GENTLEMAN
I see. So where can we get a taxi?
OFFICIAL
There are no taxis here. Everyone used to get the free bus, so the taxis stopped coming and the local council removed the taxi rank sign. Now they are not allowed to come here.
GENTLEMAN
I see. So how can I get a taxi, please?
OFFICIAL
I don’t know. Maybe you should phone.
GENTLEMAN
Indeed. Might you know a number?
OFFICIAL
Yes. (Long pause while OFFICIAL picks nose)
GENTLEMAN (Preparing mobile phone)
And could you perhaps give it to me?
OFFICIAL
You cannot use a mobile phone at a frontier station.
GENTLEMAN
Of course. Well could you perhaps phone for a taxi for me? I’ll give you the money.
OFFICIAL
We cannot accept money.

The GENTLEMAN is joined by the BEAUTIFUL WOMAN at the information desk. In the background the YOUNG BOY is enjoying himself skipping about in circles dragging his luggage, unaware of the drama taking place.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN (to GENTLEMAN)
What is the problem, honey?
GENTLEMAN
We are in France.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN (To OFFICIAL)
Can you phone a taxi, please?
OFFICIAL
Oui, oui, madame! Why did you not ask?

Similar content was repeated over the next couple of days. Back to Europe.

True story too.

Source: http://thatrestlessfeeling.blogspot.com

Funniest thing I have watched today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uNx9-cWJZc

.....

Go to your room, you brat!

Yeah, you're grounded for ... 4 ... weeks!

Worse; has to watch and review The Wild, Wild West, Catwoman, Battlefield: Earth, D&D: The Movie, and Gigli during the week, and an Uwe Boll film festival for the weekends....

Here's a few stories I find funny...

Recovering Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?


A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.

So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"

The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"


Curiosity gets the Priest

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.

The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"

"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"

"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"





Oh and one more thing...

MannyJabrielle wrote:.....

Go to your room, you brat!

Eric of Atrophy wrote:Yeah, you're grounded for ... 4 ... weeks!

Hehehe,
*Ducks and ninjas out of the thread before the 'ahem' ......elderly gets up and swings their canes *

Elhanan wrote:Worse; has to watch and review The Wild, Wild West, Catwoman, Battlefield: Earth, D&D: The Movie, and Gigli during the week, and an Uwe Boll film festival for the weekends....

Elhanan, you forgot my personal favorite, Mazes & Monsters ... I think I practically killed Abe's friend Mittens with it!

'Mazes' created a lot of fuss in the FRPG industry for a while, as least this is how it was experienced by myself. I recall having to explain to so many folks that this was not what went on in any D&D games I played, and that folks like this are everywhere; be it cards, board games, etc. A reason I started to run my games at the church, for public scrutiny (and a spooky basement with a chalkboard).

Was actually mad at Tom Hanks for doing this one....

Nice! I've considered trying to get a gaming group together at church ... dunno how that would go, though ...

Eric of Atrophy wrote:Nice! I've considered trying to get a gaming group together at church ... dunno how that would go, though ...

Well, for starters I was almost considered to be living at the Student Center in the building during my college years, which lasted a couple of decades.

Then I became a major fixture of the various RPG stores that appeared and vanished since '75. This opened a lot of discussions during the Gaming vs Religious years; acted as somewhat of a laison between the groups.

But mostly, I did not try to hide away with the game in my older gaming years; asked questions of those that might pass by, or inquire as to the various aspects of play. And after '83, it was kept Good vs Evil as the main concept. So when folks asked about Dragons, Demons, and Devils being in the game, I would answer, "Yes; those are the monsters!" This aided perspectives a great deal from things seen in Mazes and other media reveals.

Quotes About Children and Parenting:



Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)



Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)



Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)



Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)



There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. (Bob Phillips)



Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)



There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)



==================================



1. If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section .. buy a dog.



2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.



3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.



4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.



5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.



6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.



7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.



8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.



9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.



10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."



11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.



12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."



13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.



14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

daveyeisley wrote:Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)

And I would say that having four makes you a spectator.

Eric of Atrophy wrote:

daveyeisley wrote:Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)

And I would say that having four makes you a spectator.

Janitor. Not even enough time to watch them when they're going off in 3-4 different directions at once.

The Amethyst Dragon wrote:

Eric of Atrophy wrote:

daveyeisley wrote:Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)

And I would say that having four makes you a spectator.

Janitor. Not even enough time to watch them when they're going off in 3-4 different directions at once.

I swear that 4 children can go 6 different directions at once.

heh! And I guess having twins makes tracking 'em a higher DC....

I've heard it said that bilocation isn't possible. Obviously those who say that don't have lots of kids!

As a fan of Doctor Who, I found today's strip of YAFGC particular hilarious.