Old D&D jokes that still make you laugh

I was cleaning out some boxes in my spare room and came across my old D&D books< Monster Manual 1, 4th Edition 1979. wow that makes me feel old lol.
Under the heading of Lynx there is a lil cartoon. A cleric (didn't have Pallys then ) is screaming at a Wizard
"Whaddya mean we gotta talk to this lynx?? The last monster we talked to ate half of the party!
I'll scan and add it later lol enjoy.

Heh...

I miss Dragon magazine, and wish it was still in print. The April Fool issues were always a blast... The Hammer of Throwing (which threw the wielder at the target), "Beauty is the Eye of the Beholder" cover, etc...

Castle Greyhawk was funny too, more so now that I get some of the 'behind the scenes' stuff. Butterknife, +2 vs Bread Golems, "Drider-man, Drider-man, does whatever a Drider can...", etc.

One of my old favorites, that instigated the creation of the "Pun Bottle" (it was an empty 2 liter soda bottle that the DM would fling at or bonk on the head of any player that made a horrendous pun during play)...

The party was outside the antechamber of a crypt known to be the lair of a powerful lich. Wounded, and harried by the lich's minions, they bravely steeled themselves and prepared for the upcoming battle which was sure to be chaotic and bloody.

The cleric casts silence and the party bursts thru the door charging the lich's throne at full tilt. They close the distance quickly and the lich rose to his feet. Instead of waggling skeletal fingers and mumbling incantations to cast a spell that would fizzle in the silence field which he couldnt possibly have known about.... he simply reached to his side and grasped the staff leaning there.... as the Dm describes the baleful gaze of the Lich as he levelled the staff at the party... the player of the cleric simply says....

"Son of a Lich...."

to which the DM hurled an empty soda bottle at him, which connected sqyarely on his nose... and knocked him out of his chair...

And we all laughed our arses off.

daveyeisley wrote:the player of the cleric simply says....

"Son of a Lich...."

to which the DM hurled an empty soda bottle at him, which connected sqyarely on his nose... and knocked him out of his chair...

And we all laughed our arses off.

Bwahaha!

hahaha, that's a really nice thread

Besides my signiture I got some more jokes in my archives, gathered during my years of dm-ing, though I don't know if they translate well...

Dwarven Player: "Elves are like chives - their outside 's green, their insides hollow and they always come in bundles."

Two mages sit in a bar and talk about their greatest spell failures. The first mage: "Once I managed to turn myself into an orc right in the middle of an elven city." Says the other mage: "That's laughable. Once I wanted to cast light in a library and get it mixed up with fireball."
Suddenly the table says: "You two got problems..."

Those I can remember, if I rediscover my collection of funny pnp situations and rpg-jokes I might post some more.

grundail wrote:I was cleaning out some boxes in my spare room and came across my old D&D books< Monster Manual 1, 4th Edition 1979. wow that makes me feel old lol.

I was *born* in 1979. D&D is ooooooold!

i probably bought it in 79 or 80 lol

One i have in an old dragon mag...i thought it as pretty funny. reminded me of those old red sonja comics from marvel Its a little grainy..only one i could find on the web. The caption says "fortunately i was wearing my armor!" LOL

Chainmail bikinis! Gotta love em!

Alright people, this one is known by many. It's a story passed down from generation to generation. It would be... unpolite and unwise to not put this one here.

Here it goes:

The Eric of the story is an optimizing-type gamer. Confronted with options, he will, given time, calculate the best solution. Otherwise he is "a superior gamer".

The game was run by Ed. Eric was playing a paladin. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred.

Ed: You see a well-groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill you see a gazebo.

Eric: A gazebo? What color is it?

Ed: (Pause) It's white, Eric.

Eric: How far away is it?

Ed: About 50 yards.

Eric: How big is it?

Ed: (Pause) It's about 30 ft. across, 15 ft. high with a pointed top.

Eric: I use my sword to detect good on it.

Ed: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.

Eric: (Pause) I call out to it.

Ed: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.

Eric: (Pause.) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?

Ed: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!

Eric: I shoot it with my bow {rolls to hit}. What happened?

Ed: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.

Eric: (Pause.) Was it wounded?

Ed: Of course not, Eric! It's a GAZEBO!!

Eric: (Whimper.) But that was a +3 arrow.

Ed: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would try. It's a @#$%!!* gazebo!

Eric: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.

Ed: (Thoroughly frustrated.) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches and eats you.

Eric: (Reaching for his dice.) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my paladin.


At this point, a semblance of order was restored when other party members explained to Eric what a gazebo is. A little vocabulary is a dangerous thing.

If you could find a way to get a zamboni into D&D, you could repeat something similar

That is great, never heard that one before

Stopping by for a humor refill....

I believe one of the Devs from Bioware once posted a story of a dungeon delve into the labyrithian halls of a Maztican ziggurat. In the lower levels, the party resorted to using combined magics of flame, fireballs, and general pyro items against the undead.

However, the DM was savvy to such, and started to hit each member of the party with hp loss to sim smoke inhallation being in a closed, unvented subterrainian area. The party had to make their way back to the surface; some barely alive and breathing.

That is when one of the players stated, "Well, it's true: smoking ziggurats are indeed bad for your health!"

luv folks that can think on their feats....

Here's another...

Originally posted by Zoreil, BioWare Forums:


PnP Session.

DM: The assassins kidnap your pretty girlfriend! And zoom away somewhere north before you can even say "Nooo, not my girlfriend!" What do you do as you see them running off into the distance?

PC: I yell "Nooooo, not my girlfriend!" Then run after them.

DM: As you run after them, you notice they enter a small house, behind them, another person looking like an assassin enters, wearing clothes that are less-valued than his comrades', he looks to be like an amateur or a newbie of some sort. What do you do?

PC: I wait for all of them to enter inside... and maybe wait some more.

DM: You wait for 4 hours, sucking up the last supplies of food and water, obviously. Then, before sleep befell you, you notice your girlfriend's captors exit, leaving the area rather quickly. You notice them all leave, not noticing your presence either way, it is also noticeable that one of them was missing: the newbie. What do you do?

PC: I go inside the house.

DM: In the house (which is just a small room...) you notice your girlfriend tied up to a chair, behind her, the newbie assassin reading the Playboy magazine --

PC: *interrupts* what..?

DM: -- few seconds later, he notices you and smiles.. quite surprising to you seeing that he's an assassin and all. You would've expected him to act violently any moment. He then says "Hey, what are you doing here?"

PC: I answer stupidly "Um........ what are YOU doing here??". I dun expect him to answer that...

DM: Surprisingly, he does: "Uh, my friends, they said they had to go somewhere, so they left me here with instructions."

PC: "What instructions?"

DM: "Uh.. you want me to just tell you how the conversation went?"

PC: "Uh.... well...." I look at my tied-up girlfriend, then continue, " Uh.. hmmm......."

DM: "I guess that's a yes..."

**Now speaking from the newbie's perspective, quoting from what the assassins said.**

Dude 1: Okay, we got her tied up... good...
Dude 2: Now what?
Dude 1: Let's go kidnap that one other person we were assigned to kidnap. Leave the amateur here to guard the girl, he can do it.
Amateur: What? Me do what?
Dude 1: I said, we're going to go kidnap the other person, you stay here and guard the girl.
Amateur: Why?
Dude 1: Because she's valuable and vital.
Amateur: What's so valuable about her?
Dude 1: Just guard her.
Amateur: Okay...
*1 minute later*
Amateur: So... you want me to guard her?
Dude 1: YES!
Amateur: Are you really sure about this?
Dude 1: YES, DAMN IT!
Amateur: So you want me to stay there for days and weeks guarding the girl?
Dude 1: YES, NOW GO INSIDE!
*Amateur walks inside............. then walks out again*
Amateur: Are you sure?
Dude 1: YYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Back to the scene**

DM: The newbie talks, "So, what are you doing here, good sir?"

PC: "Finally, somebody with some respect around here! Uh... do you have any adamantite hilts?"

DM: "Nope..."

PC: "Do you..... have any bow shafts?"

DM: "Nope... just this girl..."

PC: "Is that really all you have...?"

DM: "Yeah..."

PC: "Well, I can't go back empty-handed... So I guess I'll take the girl."

DM: "Okay, here you go."

PC: "thanks!" I untie my girlfriend and escort her back

One of my favorites...

'Jesus saves.

Everyone else takes full damage.'

I assume that everyone (over the age of forty) knows about "The Hand of Vecna" and KODT. If not, send me a message. LOL.

Kentleman2 wrote:I assume that everyone (over the age of forty) knows about "The Hand of Vecna" and KODT. If not, send me a message. LOL.

I thought the hand was a real artifact, and the funny story was about the "Head of Vecna". I am not familliar with KODT as an abbreviation, though

Go ahead and share!

Actually, The Hand of Vecna was an artifact. Unfortunately, Vecna was Chaotic Evil and his hand, once attached, made the wearer go on killing sprees against innocents. The head was a rumor spread by a team in a competition. They had a druid, who was lawful so they didn't tell him. He followed the somewhat obvious clues and found the (made up but ordinary mortal) head. He ordered his monkey animal companion to cut off his head, and of course the druid died. The team lost the competiton.

A true story: My 3 sons, now 39, 37 and 30, played DnD with a neighbor boy (Matt; plays Dent with Lucky and Sally now.) and me. We regularly rotated DM.
Nick, the youngest at 7, begged to run his module. He said he had written it all out. We said OK, just to keep the peace. We all had about 10th lev PC's.

He proceeded to run us through a long, complex dungeon, with lots of tricks and traps, and way too many encounters. Almost out of supplies and spells we ended up in the basement of a deconsecrated church.

We walked in an asked; "What do we see?"
He said: "A 10' X 10' room."
We asked; "Anything in the room"
He said: "Yes, a Lich!!!"
We asked; "What's he doing?"
He said: "Nothing."
Eric, my middle kid, asked him; "How's he gonna fight us?

He thought a minute and then said: "He wants to wrestle!"

We smashed him to a pulp in about 2 rounds and then explained how he should have prepared the Lich for the battle, which we would have had no chance of winning.

Wow! 7 years old?! Awesome - my youngest is 8 and she is just now wanting to participate in her sisters' DnD game.

Also, I too attack the Gazebo, but still keep an eye out for angry lamas.*



* It's weird - I just picked of KODT's 170th issue, but it seems almost yesterday that I got #100. And it was only last week when they were still in Dragon magazine. What?! Dragon magazine doesn't exist anymore?