The Sorry Story of a Bandit's Life

I once considered creating a "Bandit" PC, and wondered what his career path would look like.



[Journal found in a bandit's loot bag]


Entry #001
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I saw an interesting poster in Macedone. It read:

"Tired of wandering about the city with nothing to do except refusing to talk to strangers?

Fed up with "The Man" telling you to put away your walking stick?

Come try the fabulous world of Acquisitions and Resource Reallocation!

Uniform and cheese sandwiches provided."

This may be the life for me!



Entry #002
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Uniform comes in only one color. Face-mask hard to breath in.

My first job is to "stalk" this sewer and report anything interesting. Nothing happens except my feet getting sore.

Still bored, but I really enjoy the cheese sandwiches.

Found a book called "Common Knowledge". Why has no one told me these things before!

It stinks down here...


Entry #003
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Great, now I am patrolling outside of the inn. I make sure to be inside it as often as possible.

Saw someone order a beverage they didn't drink. I decided to try it myself. That was a mistake, and the Innkeeper made me clean up my puked cheese sandwich.

Found a another book. I hope to profit by it but step 2 is a little hard to understand.



Entry #004
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I have a new assignment "taxing" people that come in and out of the a small prairie town.

But what the hell? I can't use this giant sword! When I complain, I'm told to "use a feat". I don't even know what that means. "Just wave it about when you see someone you don't know" I'm told. Jerks...

Still bored. I have another book but feel like I've read it before.



Entry #005
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Holy crap -- those ants are huge! I climbed a tree. Not bored any longer.

Found a lonely guy, looks sick. He can't walk away very fast so I get to spend the day telling him my problems while taking a nice stroll....

He stinks as bad as the sewers.


Entry #006
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Finally earned some vacation time! A bunch of us decide to spend our RnR in the Vale.

It was a disaster. Our booking agent placed us in hotel in the middle of a graveyard*. There's no view, and the only thing to see are statues with spiderwebs all over them.

The locals seem a bit hostile to tourists so I ended up staying inside and reading a book on how to make pudding.




Entry #007
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Reassigned to "Bridge-Trap Resetter" duty near Mountholm.

Have I mentioned the women I get to meet? Yeah, I know I haven't. That's because my attempt at flirting led me to find out my health-care policy doesn't cover "Arrow in the Butt".



Entry #008
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There is now a Cleric with us. I don't like him because he takes all my cheese sandwiches as tithe. I begin hiding at least one in my pants.

Did I mention we saw someone who we could likely "tax" try to cross the bridge? Stupid smarty pants wizard decides this is an opportune time to try her new wand.

I end up fleeing halfway to Calithea before the spell wears off. I take my time getting back.

I'm told the cost of my lost sword comes out of my cheese sandwich allocation.



Entry #009
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New assignment.

The cleric tell me that I need to "shake down" this giant of a man outside of his temple for insurance. So I go and explain to the guy that it would be terrible if his god's altar was defaced. The guy then explains that I am a weakling, and I find his argument quite persuasive.

I hate that damn cleric.

When my jaw heals, I asked to be reassigned. "Go watch the meadow road" I'm told.



Entry #010
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On the way to my new job, I pause to think about how good bison meat must taste.

And then oh gawds, the horror! A damnable beetle snuck up on me! Worse, the little ravager's only thought was to bite its way to my only cheese sandwich!

I decide not to report the incident to our health-care provider.

Starting working in the meadow. Boulders provide appropriate napping shade.


Entry #011
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[Note - This post inspired by an actual player's post. My apologies, but I laughed so hard I had to use it.]


I got eaten by a giant worm! There I was, minding my own business when I woke up inside something's tummy. I thought I was a goner, but then it spit me out and up and dies...

I see Someone taxable nearby, but the math is simple. Worm that can eat me + Someone who can kill the worm = Someone can do even worse to me.

Knowing it wasn't worth all the cheese sandwiches in the world, I run the other way. My companions apparently can't do math, and run towards the Someone.

Have I mentioned that there is a high turn over rate in the "Resource Allocations" department?

And I have to pay for another sword.


Entry #012
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Earned another vacation. Nice little timeshare cabin in the woods* IF YOU DON'T MIND THE BEARS OUTSIDE THAT TRY TO EAT YOU!

Again, I spend the entire time inside reading. That's some handy knowledge I learned about Dragons if I ever come across one.

The cleric made me sleep on the floor as there was not enough beds.

[*I've always wondered about this Bandits, and what they might be doing here in this remote location.]



Entry #013
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New assignment, but now I have to clean up troll poop. "Makes the bride too slippery" I'm told.

And hey! Maybe the cleric isn't such a bad guy after all. When I complained, he suggested that I diaper it. I'm going to try that!




Entry #014
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I really hate that cleric. The least he could do is regenerate my hand.

I ask one of the mages if I could learn magic too. I explain to her that in return I would let her do to me things I found in this book "Down and Dirtier". She told me that the Bandit Wizard Union has a "Women Only" policy.

Also, health-care policy does not cover "Magic Missile in the Face".


Entry #015
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That tears it! The stupid troll ate my retirement fund! I was saving all those cheese sandwiches for when I got out of this stupid operation and now I have nothing. I've decided that today is my last day - I'm going to quit and turn over a new leaf.

I even know what I'm going to do after tomorrow. I'm going to hang around in towns, and when I see someone running, I'm going to walk in their way*. Sure, this will force them to stop running, but it'll the town safer for everyone and I'll feel better about myself as a person.

[*Note: I love how you can click on a spot for your PC to move to, but then have villagers spawn in your path :-)].


Oh wait, here comes someone! Looks like I have one more job before it's over for me. But that's funny, that guy has lots of funny stones floating around his head, and his sword is on fire. Oh well, can't be that bad right? I'm feeling today is my lucky day!


[NO MORE ENTRIES]

That is comical, tongue -in-cheek brilliance and with a hint of OOTS about it... ace, made me laugh so much.. ..

That... rocks!

! I was hoping someone would think it was at least a little funny :-) I certainly was laughing as I wrote it down this afternoon, but is funny to me might not be funny to all...

I love the idea of someone trying to diaper a troll.

And the sadistic cleric who suggested such a course of action

OMG it was hilarious. I would have posted sooner, but alas I didn't have the time after I stopped reading (and then stopped laughing of course)

Definitely one of the best things I've read recently.

Svair wins for one of the funniest posts around! This is good stuff, good stuff! Make me look at bandits a little differently the next time I'm smackin' them down!

LOL

I'm glad that it was enjoyed :-)

Holy crap. That was damn funny.

Could you add it to a book in-game maybe? One of those random books you find everywhere?

True this: I was actually nervous that this wouldn't be worth appreciation, and it would either be panned or ignored. I admit that I kept on checking back all day to see what the reaction might be. And while it might be far from a really great post , I'm happy to say that I've been bugging my wife with "Some people like it, they really like it!". Turns out I'm an attention whore.

That was great, I'll be saving that one to show some friends,

Since reading this thread, all my rogues now crave toasted cheese sandwiches!

Good job!

Yup, reading this brings back good memories of this server, and yes, Rick is back. Still no volume on computer. *sighs*

Hilarious! Love it!

i may be late in reading this but damn, i almost spit soda out my nose while laughing so hard, good stuff!

Hee hee!

Cheese-stained book! I'm flattered it made it's way into game. :-)

NICE!

Definitely one of the best things I've read recently.

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Totally awesome read, and I want more! Now I feel inspired to make a rogue.