Barbarian tales round a fire

Listen up ye cold folk. Ye've come tae share me fire this night tae warm yer bones but by the end o' the night ye'll may be wishing fer a hun'ered fires.
Ye see i'm aboout tae tell ye some o' the things I seen an' many o' them nae be as han'some as me. Tuck the bairns in and listen close.

Now where shall I start. Aye perhaps with the barn. Now i'm sure many o' ye know a barn nae be scary. I'll bet ye've actually had many a romp in one or more aye? Worst ye can expect be a couple jabs o' the hay as you roll aboout an' a few insect bites. I got two words fer ye all, Giant Ants! Tha' be right, next time ye be rompin ye'll do best tae remember tha' at any moment ye could be losing an arm, a leg or worse tae an ant! 'Course i nae be caught unawares like many o' you would be. I took me double axe 'ere. you heard me right, double axe nae orc axe, i dunnae look like an orc do I? Anyway folks, i took me axe a swinging and a chopping, takin' the wee beasts legs off and the wavey things onna heads and the man-man..ack cannae remember the words but they may as well be called man-crushers off. Tha' be right, a normal ant be after leaves but I guess tae giant ants we all be lookin' like a leaf.
One ant, two ants, three ants, i swear tae ye i must have cut through least six o' the beasts before I gots a moment o' peace. I couldnae just leave it a' that though, nae after cuttin' up the giant worker ants I know I gots tae go find the queenie. Something tae keep in yer minds, tha' giant workers be the size o' a small pony so you can just imagine the size o' the Queenie!

I jumped atop tha' Queenie when i found her and she' coulda easily had ano'er 3 more like me on her. Aye the queenie be big, size o' 2 large horses or more! I swung and i cut but i be hardly gettin through her touch cara..cara..ack, ye know, her crunchy bits. She was nae enjoyin' me trying though, thats fer sure. So she shakes her body and I came crashing tae the ground only fer her to try tae get onna top o' me. If'in she'd manage tha' I'd ne'er walk again fer sure. So's I rolls out o' the way dropping me axe. Course now ye be thinkin' what did i do then or how did i escape? Well I'll tell ye, I didn't escape! Nae i wrapped me arms around her head while she scratched me chest and i squeezed!
Barius flexes his arms at this point, showing off his definition before getting back to the story
Queenie had a tough head! I didnae know if she was gonnae tae break me bef'er I broke her so when I heard the largest crack I gots a bit confused and thought I be off tae the great hall. Wasnae until a few minutes passed with the lass shoutin' at me tae wipe the goo and crunchy bits off me tha' i realized the crack wasnae my body.

Barius takes a drink of ale and looks around

Nae more stories fer now, mayin I'll tell ye some more another night.

What do ye mean, what lass? The lass tha' were wi'me at the time! She do a lot o' scoldin' and sometimes puts a few tiny holes into things with her twig bow. Now leave me with me drinks ye lot, and dunnae ferget tae check under ye bed rolls fer ants!